If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
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Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
when someone rings the doorbell
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.