If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
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Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.