If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
You Might Also Like
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
…
…
…
…
…
2015: Taco Emoji!
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781