The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
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how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.