@Parkerlawyer
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
@DothTheDoth
If you’re walking past an old abandoned house & the front door opens for no reason, go into that house.
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@Parkerlawyer
@iGreenGod
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
@panarin_misha
choose your gary
@XplodingUnicorn
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
@MartaEffing
Tonight’s Menu: Gourmet pork blend sausage with organic tomato reduction, served on warm split bread rolls.
AKA: Hot dogs with ketchup.
@JasonLastname
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
@YeezyEducatedMe
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
@thetigersez
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
@dubiousrhetoric
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
@BlindVigil
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.