@DothTheDoth

If you’re walking past an old abandoned house & the front door opens for no reason, go into that house.

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@Spaced_Cowboy00

A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re nocturnal.

Cricket: what does that mean?

God: it means you can only be heard at night.

Cricket: oh.

God: and after bad jokes lol.

Cricket:

God:

Cricket: [cricket noises].

@Brianhopecomedy

Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.

@DanMentos

“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”

@Cali_Kid_Mike

“Love means never having to say your sorry.”

– someone who is very single

@Puercotron

HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*

@TheCatWhisprer

I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.

@LlamaInaTux

dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you

me: *immediately tases myself*

@murrman5

where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?