@Spaced_Cowboy00 A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
@DothTheDoth If you’re walking past an old abandoned house & the front door opens for no reason, go into that house.
You Might Also Like
@Spaced_Cowboy00 
@NewDadNotes God: you’re nocturnal.
Cricket: what does that mean?
God: it means you can only be heard at night.
Cricket: oh.
God: and after bad jokes lol.
Cricket:
God:
Cricket: [cricket noises].
@CapoeiraPanda No one girl should have all that power. 😂
@Brianhopecomedy Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
@DanMentos “Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
@Cali_Kid_Mike “Love means never having to say your sorry.”
– someone who is very single
@Puercotron HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
@TheCatWhisprer I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
@LlamaInaTux dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
@murrman5 where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?