If you’re walking past an old abandoned house & the front door opens for no reason, go into that house.

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A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.


God: you’re nocturnal.

Cricket: what does that mean?

God: it means you can only be heard at night.

Cricket: oh.

God: and after bad jokes lol.



Cricket: [cricket noises].


Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.


“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”


“Love means never having to say your sorry.”

– someone who is very single


HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*


I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.


dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you

me: *immediately tases myself*


where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?