when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
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Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.