It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
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Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
How software testing works
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut