If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
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Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
Never let them know your next move 😂
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.