If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
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[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
Noted.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.