@T_Bonezzz

If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:

1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground

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@KeetPotato

me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]

@david8hughes

[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?

@RodLacroix

Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!

Me: It’s Tuesday.

Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!

@markydoodoo

[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks

[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this

@not_delicate

When cool people say “that shit is tight,” they mean it’s awesome but when I say it, please know it means I had too much cake for breakfast again

@AlisonChrista

Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*

@Playing_Dad

“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”

@aotakeo

ME: we should do this agai-

DATE: im busy that day