band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
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H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no