If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
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“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.