If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’

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Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience


The other giraffes watched and giggled as Herbert got to button number 87 on his dress shirt before they told him he started one button off.


Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers


[at office Halloween party]

Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards


Want to watch a nerd have a melt down? Tell him that you just bought a android Ipad.


[Chasing a man out of the bathroom with a pube] Sir you dropped this!


Me: *giggling* No, you hang up

Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls


God: Done

Angel: you can’t be finished

God: I am

Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-

God: aaand send


“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.

Not. Even. Joking.


My dad will walk across the living room with a bowl of soup to the brim, shoelaces untied, because history has taught him nothing.