@Sally5977

If you’re wondering at what age you’ll stop messing up your life know that it’s not 40 and apparently not 50 either.

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@robots_feel

priest: you may now read the vows you have prepared

me: i think I misunderstood the assignment

wife: just read what you have honey

me: ok [deep breath] A E I O U

@AndrewsNotFunny

Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark

@pleatedjeans

[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER

@LurkAtHomeMom

*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.

@Darlainky

Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?

Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.

@katbento

Why hasn’t a phone that charges itself just by scrolling the screen ever been invented?

What are our scientists doing?

@JimmerThatisAll

I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.

@Bearslietoo

A fun thing to do is to tell a complete stranger that you met your boyfriend on Twitter and then show them a cat.

@lcwf70

You said imagine my life without you…

So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.

@meganamram

“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear