If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
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4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
I’m awake but I object,