@BGH70

If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.

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@MyPolishFace

Me: guess what I shaved!
Him: your armpits?
Me: no
Him: your mustache?
Me: no
Him: your nec-
Me: I don’t wanna play this game anymore

@Tbone7219

I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.

@Mazificient

Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?

@TweetPotato314

Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.

Wife: Of course not, where is he?

Me: I just told you.

@stuckinaportal

daughter: can i keep the night light on?

me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie

@stewteee

Her: I want you to choke me daddy

Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth

@AngryRaccoon2

Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.

@HlessHman

Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 years

Angel: horses?
God: 20

Angel: cats?
God: 15

Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTY

Angel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about flies

Angel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol

@TweetPotato314

me:

professor x: yes, i can read minds

me:

professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one

@bazecraze

It’s only been a few days, but I’m starting to forget everything I knew about Mitch Romley.