If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
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Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
Rt to bother an English speaker
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.