Me: guess what I shaved!
Him: your armpits?
Him: your mustache?
Him: your nec-
Me: I don’t wanna play this game anymore
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
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I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 years
Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTY
Angel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about flies
Angel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
professor x: yes, i can read minds
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
It’s only been a few days, but I’m starting to forget everything I knew about Mitch Romley.