If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
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[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
I love art.
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?