If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
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Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.