If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
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Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
me logging onto twitter
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”