Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
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I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?