If you’ve been unemployed for a while, update your resume to say youve been a Blockbuster manager for the last decade. HOW WOULD THEY KNOW!?

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My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”


We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.


[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.


I always say “morning” instead of “good morning”. If it were a good morning I’d still be in bed instead of talking to people.


[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf


Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.


[driving] Goddamn pedestrians

[walking] Goddamn drivers

[both] Goddamn cyclists


Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.


We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?


I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.