doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
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*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.