If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
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“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”