If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
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I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.