If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
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Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.