If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
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Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
Unimpressed
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
There’s no “us” in nachos.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state