If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
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everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
My teenage children choosing violence
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*