@AnniemuMary

If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.

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@SuperRandomish

Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”

Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”

@mydmac

A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.

@SJSchauer

My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing

@patnspankme

People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.

@LittleVodkaOwl

Anyone want to suit up in full hazmat gear and head to the grocery store to freak people out?

@Cpt_Burnout

REALITY SHOW IDEA: Put 10 tweeters in a house with only 1 phone charger and plenty of booze.

BOOM.

@dakarrier

[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit

@KateWhineHall

Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.

@TuSoonShakur

ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²

DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*