@AnniemuMary

If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.

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@mattZillaaaa

Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep

@chuuew

ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]

DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!

@AndrewChamings

if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it

@tony_ferraro7

visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing

@goulcher

social media jobs be like:

Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?

Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business

£13k, Slough

@hythemafia

Knock knock

“Who’s there?”

“Dejav”

“Dejav who?”

Knock knock

@JohnLyonTweets

So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.

@FrogAvalanche

Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.

@Kids_kubed

If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you

They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside

@Gooooats

According to science the atoms in my body contain the energy of 30 hydrogen bombs, and yet not enough energy to get up early and go jogging.