If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
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My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!