If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.

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Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”

Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”


A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.


My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing


People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.


Anyone want to suit up in full hazmat gear and head to the grocery store to freak people out?


REALITY SHOW IDEA: Put 10 tweeters in a house with only 1 phone charger and plenty of booze.



[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit


Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.


ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²

DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*