If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
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Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted