@ItsSamG

If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you

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@BrassBallsCJ

My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol

Priest: That’s your eulogy?

@philyuck

mark, my words. *mark brings me a dictionary* thanks mark

@Sorrowscopes

Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?

Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.

@freshestginger

*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!

*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*

@bluntphilip

Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.

@SlappNuttz

I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.

Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.