If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
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All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.