If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
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CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
they should invent a hydrating liquor
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.