If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
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(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
sensitive skin
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
🐕🍷
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.