If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler

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Remember at school when you would press ‘demo’ on the electric piano and pretend you were really playing it? That’s what adulthood is.


Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.


The mall crowd parts as I shuffle through after waking up naked on the food court floor. “Too pudgy to be a terminator” says one woman.


*i get on a rollercoaster with my washing machine*
“Hold tight son…WAIT! If u are here then..”
*son is at home w/ a mouth full of laundry*


[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?


For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.

Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.


my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea


[the Wright brothers before the first flight ever]

Orville: *taking off his shoes*

Wilbur: um what are u doing

Orville: what if i have a bomb


1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*

– Freezer Inspector –


“Make it look like I live in a Cheesecake Factory.” – NBA players to their interior designers