Remember at school when you would press ‘demo’ on the electric piano and pretend you were really playing it? That’s what adulthood is.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
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Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
The mall crowd parts as I shuffle through after waking up naked on the food court floor. “Too pudgy to be a terminator” says one woman.
*i get on a rollercoaster with my washing machine*
“Hold tight son…WAIT! If u are here then..”
*son is at home w/ a mouth full of laundry*
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
[the Wright brothers before the first flight ever]
Orville: *taking off his shoes*
Wilbur: um what are u doing
Orville: what if i have a bomb
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*
– Freezer Inspector –
“Make it look like I live in a Cheesecake Factory.” – NBA players to their interior designers