@Smooheed

If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler

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@TechnicallyRon

Remember at school when you would press ‘demo’ on the electric piano and pretend you were really playing it? That’s what adulthood is.

@KrunkedRobot

Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.

@Sickayduh

The mall crowd parts as I shuffle through after waking up naked on the food court floor. “Too pudgy to be a terminator” says one woman.

@jazmasta

*i get on a rollercoaster with my washing machine*
“Hold tight son…WAIT! If u are here then..”
*son is at home w/ a mouth full of laundry*

@chuuew

[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?

@_Kim_Jongun

For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.

Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.

@CornOnTheGoblin

my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea

@jazz_inmypants

[the Wright brothers before the first flight ever]

Orville: *taking off his shoes*

Wilbur: um what are u doing

Orville: what if i have a bomb

@Iwriteforcats

1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*

– Freezer Inspector –

@JoeMande

“Make it look like I live in a Cheesecake Factory.” – NBA players to their interior designers