If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
You Might Also Like
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
I have no passwords left in me
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
selena gomez
the best thing i’ve ever made
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
I’m sure it’s fine.
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband