If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
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Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
Anyone really
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.