If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
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(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”