@Dwarven_Cleric
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
@Jack_Wagon1
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
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@Dwarven_Cleric
@roboticcrab
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
@panmidwest
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
@TheNYAMProject
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
@QwertyJones3
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
@funflaps
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
@sonictyrant
Friend: i heard your wife ran off with your best buddy. Are you okay?
Me: *wheezing* NO. They’re both much faster than me
@ellewasamistake
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
@BASEDSAVAGE_
Not having sex till I have kids