@Jack_Wagon1

If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.

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@Dwarven_Cleric

People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.

@roboticcrab

moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*

me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse

@panmidwest

ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…

GOD: [creates dog]

ANGEL: …and for how they actually do

GOD: [creates cat]

@TheNYAMProject

When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.

@QwertyJones3

I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.

@funflaps

[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust

[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO

@sonictyrant

Friend: i heard your wife ran off with your best buddy. Are you okay?

Me: *wheezing* NO. They’re both much faster than me

@ellewasamistake

king: the gods are angry with us

advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano

king: how would that hel—

advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what