9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
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Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.