@LostFelicia

If you’ve never gotten stuck in a dress you tried on over your clothes in the middle of a clothing store, then you’re not me.

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@Spotzwoj

Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.

@Gupton68

I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.

Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.

@virgiltexas

You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.

@MomOnFire

*15 seconds into makeup application*

I’m bored. This is good enough.

@heatherlou_

If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.

@osno13

i always carry a condom in my wallet incase i can’t finish my corndog

@liv_thatsme

“Thinking of getting a tattoo”

Me: K

“Thinking of getting some wallpaper”

Me: NO! YOU’LL REGRET IT EVERY DAY FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!

@DrakeGatsby

Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!

Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?

@Darlainky

I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?