Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
If you’ve never gotten stuck in a dress you tried on over your clothes in the middle of a clothing store, then you’re not me.
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Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
i always carry a condom in my wallet incase i can’t finish my corndog
“Thinking of getting a tattoo”
“Thinking of getting some wallpaper”
Me: NO! YOU’LL REGRET IT EVERY DAY FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?