If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
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Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?