[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
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literally losing my entire damn mind over this.
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
Long Yellow Things 🤔
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
U.S. DEPT OF FORESTRY: Sir, we believe you’re hunting illegally
GUY IN ALL CAMO W/ ORANGE HAT: *takes off hat*
USDOF: Dammit we lost him