“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
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I didn’t want to be the one to have to do this but I’m not here to make friends and I have to tell the truth: coconut water is disgusting
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
girl came up to me at LAX and said i looked familiar so i said prob from twitter? she was like omg yea so she took my phone to add me on ig snap etc. then left for her gate, entire flight home i felt like the man but i just landed and bro she cashapp’d herself $500 from my acct
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”