@squirrel74wkgn

If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.

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@whatmaddness

“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.

@HumbleTeej

I didn’t want to be the one to have to do this but I’m not here to make friends and I have to tell the truth: coconut water is disgusting

@elle91

Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no

@Dave_in_SoPo

Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.

@TheBoydP

Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!

@quendergeer

CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:

@bocxtop

girl came up to me at LAX and said i looked familiar so i said prob from twitter? she was like omg yea so she took my phone to add me on ig snap etc. then left for her gate, entire flight home i felt like the man but i just landed and bro she cashapp’d herself $500 from my acct

@bingowings14

First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.

@JohnLyonTweets

Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!

Band: *plays Freebird*

Me: Well that backfired.

@Jesssicle

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”