DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
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I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?