5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
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I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.