Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
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Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
There is no “ea” in Tim.
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.