If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.

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One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.


If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.


Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?

5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”


Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.


Executioner: any last words?

Me: pineapple belongs on pizza. Hit the switch


A) I don’t care who is stalking my twitter
B) I don’t care who is saying terrible things about me
C) I don’t care – OH! Free iPad??? *click*


Whoever called it a “dust bunny” was in a super good mood.


Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.


I think I’ll go to church this morning. I need to repent all my sins & pray for the neighbors wife to covet me.