If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
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pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
road rage
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies