If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
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my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
Otters see a butterfly.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
Breaking news:
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
Potatoes were such a good idea
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.