Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
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I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T