Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
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my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
The options really are this bad
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”