Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
You Might Also Like
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
Squirrels before girls.
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”