sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
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bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
This raises questions
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
Go hard or stay average
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day