Ignorance is only bliss until you wish you knew the answer

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Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug


Paid a mime fifty bucks to follow me around for a day and do the jerk off motion every time I speak.


Scientists discover that Jupiter’s moon, Europa, may be suitable for human habitation. When asked to comment Jupiter stated, “Oh, hell no.”


SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid


Thesaurus was the first dinosaur to get murdered. No one likes a know it all.


My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?


Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.


I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.


Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.

Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.


Fellow senior citizens:

If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.

You don’t need to push your lifealert button.