@_Prozach74

Ignorance is only bliss until you wish you knew the answer

You Might Also Like

@rebrafsim

Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug

@FuckabillyRex

Paid a mime fifty bucks to follow me around for a day and do the jerk off motion every time I speak.

@downfront

Scientists discover that Jupiter’s moon, Europa, may be suitable for human habitation. When asked to comment Jupiter stated, “Oh, hell no.”

@actioncookbook

SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid

@_Shizzle

Thesaurus was the first dinosaur to get murdered. No one likes a know it all.

@Parkerlawyer

My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?

Nope.

Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.

@TheTweetOfGod

I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.

@OakHill_

Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.

Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.

@PickleRudd

Fellow senior citizens:

If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.

You don’t need to push your lifealert button.