#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
You Might Also Like
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
finally found a reasonable question
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
Rich people don’t understand cereal
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday