Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

synchronized noseblowing

meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy

I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.

[church fundraiser]

me: *takes out a $100*

priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child

me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?

I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.

Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.

If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?

I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.

Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.

If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.

Booked a non-refundable train ticket, sadly had to cancel the trip. Accepted I would lose the train fare. As luck would have it the train I was due to travel on got cancelled. So applied for a refund even though I’d no intention of travelling. It’s the small wins.

me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active

doctor: i don’t really need to

me: wait why

doctor:

me:

doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t

We cannot all be trying to head home at 5:00PM. We have to start going home in groups

Him at 1am: Wanna come over?

Me: Sure thing, sexy

-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring

[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked

her: why is the cat so sparkly?

me: I think she looks fabulous.

her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?

me: you mean the glitter box?

I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool

My gf is so sweet… We just had that silly “hall pass” convo, ig she didn’t wanna make me jealous with a hunky celeb so she said some random nobody from her job ☺️ and she wasn’t remotely intimidated when my answer was Anna freaking Kendrick 😅

FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that

LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it

Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.

You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place

[slight drizzle outside]

Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive

I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.

what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything

I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.

I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.

The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer

Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.

“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”

– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers

Me when I wear 4 inch heels