On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
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Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.