@SteveKoehler22

IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.

The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h?o?u?r?s? marriages

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@kimtopher22

Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.

@maymay72x

my husband…just pointed out d new strands of hair growing under my chin…..

someones not getn laid tonight.

@sarcasticmommy4

Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”

@KKenuz

my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems

@RandomRamblr

I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.

@KimmyMonte

Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert

@AGreaterMonster

I just ran for the train so I think I’m good on running for a couple years.

@shutupmikeginn

Me: It’s cold outside.
Them: It’s not cold outside. Not compared to the place i lived which was colder, which I’m about to elaborate on.

@BoomBoomBetty

When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.