IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
You Might Also Like
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting