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70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”


A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.


Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?

Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?

Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*


Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!

Me: That’s a pretty good trade…


‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.


ME: *packing my bags*
WIFE: let’s talk about this
ME (still mad she didn’t get the cereal with the toy inside): theres nothing to talk about


“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok


no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.